Extra Action, Man
Get her into: Bondage and spanking
Psychologists at Case Western University, Ohio, found the main appeal of bondage and spanking is that it allows people to step out of normality. That means she’ll be more easily enticed on days off work when she’s already looking for an escape. Bondage is about being assertive, says Pervocracy. “No one wants to hear ‘I want you to be, um, sort of, my slave’.” You have to be frank and filthy in the details. If she’s unsure, start with something gentle to begin the shift in power. “Give a command for a massage, or something you know your partner enjoys, so the transition is easy.” When she’s ready for more, you have to make her comfortable. Skip silk scarves, which can cut off the blood supply. “Velcro restraints are better for beginners,” says psychologist and sex therapist, Dr Joy Davidson.
Win her over Buy her some award-winning, libido-enhancing literature from tinyurl.com/eroticfiction. A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that women who read explicit erotic fiction were more likely to list submission as a fantasy.
Get her into: Making a film
To build trust, tell her that there’s nobody you’d rather see on screen than her. A study in the Journal of Sex Research found she may feel anxious when thinking of herself in the third person during sex. To get her used to this before you film anything, have sex near a large mirror: this will get her hot about seeing herself make love. And use her phone to take still photos so she has control over what happens to them. Next time, record only the sound of your session, then play it back to build her confidence and excitement.
Win her over On the night of the shoot, bring out her theatrical side by organising a lavish day of shopping or an expensive night out. Dressing up will get her in the mood for performance and research from University College London found that people become more impulsive after a spending spree.
Get her into: From behind
Her rear guard is on full alert mainly because she sees a distinct lack of glamour in the act. “Most men follow the porn world’s depiction,” says Paget, but you’ll never get any if you make it about dominance. Before you go near the rear, find out whether she’s interested by playing a game of sex roulette: write down fantasies on scraps of paper, then draw them in turn and rank them. When anal is drawn, pitch it as something new to add to the repertoire, says Paget. “It’s not ‘I want all of you’.” She has to trust you implicitly so to get her on board use your fingers or well-lubed sex toys for as long as she needs to feel comfortable taking it further.
Win her over To let her know that it’s about new ways of enjoying sex, Paget suggests the website of ‘feminist pornographer’ Tristan Taormino (puckerup.com). This includes a video step-by-step on increasing pleasure for both of you. Watching it reassures her it’s about play, not power.
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